Gosh hi! Oh my, hey! I see lots of you out there!
Hello America and welcome to my inaug . . . inau . . . gosh darn it.
First presidential address! Couldn’t see that but I’m OK now, thanks.
It’s just so amazin’! Bein’ a hockey mom, you know. And a proven maverick. And then one day some guy from some political thing, like a year ago maybe, asks about bein’ vice president. And of course you don’t blink. Just don’t blink. And now I’m here on this podium! So I never expected to be here, that’s for sure. I thought, you know, “it’s the VICE president, right?” Not the real deal at all. But America, hey, that’s our country. Thank you.
I understand, too, what with all that’s happened, John McCain–bless his heart–just leaving us like that. Just dropped to the ground, then didn’t move. Like a shot, real sudden, but I didn’t hear gunfire. He was a stiff guy–didn’t move well, as was known. But I didn’t expect him to go so quick! But if you’re a maverick, I guess that’s how you go. One minute a fightin’ maverick, taking those shots, and the next, game over. That arm, you know. Definitely a concern. And I said, about the decision on those medical records I said, “I don’t know.” But that’s what’s done and his reward’s in heaven, as they say.
But geez. I mean, he sort of left us in the lurch, don’tcha think? Nothin’ against him, but I thought he’d be around at least a year, right? I mean, just bein’ honest, I thought that was the deal. A year of on the job training, at least. That’s what I was promised. But to not even make it to Inaugural Day. To just be thrown into this.
And then the Democrats, you know, sayin’ we need a do over, right? Which I don’t blame them. But that Supreme Court up in their chambers they said, “No, President elect keels over like that, it’s the Vice-President is the new President.” And that’s what they said and the thing about that court? It’s the law when they say it. That’s our system.
And so now, though, the American people wanted change, and believe me, with Aunt Sarah, change is what you’re gonna get. And those Democrats were sayin’ they were change, but I have two words for them, which are: Just wait. They may have won a Congress majority but we’ll see just what we need Congress for, exactly.
Now, as for Katie Couric. First off, there’s a war on. And I don’t know if everyone realizes? But there’s press-a . . . press . . . precedence for in times of war you are not allowed to embarrass the President. So I have an announcement, which is that we have some things down at Gitmo that require Katie’s immediate attention. If you know what I mean. Sorry, Katie. God love ya.
Let that be a lesson to all the press, too, from here on.
And that Tina Fey, too. You know, I laughed at that, but there are lots a things you do on the trail that maybe you don’t like. So Tina Fey, you’ll be hearing from us as well.
Now, as for the Second Coming, which is, of course, much on everyone’s minds. As many of you know, and the Wasilla Bible Church of my hometown also said, the Second Coming is real, and Christ is already come for those with a true servant’s heart. And you know who you are. That is why I’m proud to announce today my first initiative as President: War with Iran. As a great man once said: The bombing begins in five minutes.
Now, for the earmarks. I know John McCain stood against those, because he was a brave man. Very brave, standing like that. And a maverick, too, lest it be forgotten. And also known. So we’ll be exercising the line-item, whether Congress likes it or not. And those signing statements, too. Gonna enforce those, finally. So that’s one thing.
I have other plans, too. After Iran, there are probably other countries we need to obliterate. Northern Pakistan, for instance. Don’t know if that’s a country, really, but seems like it might need to go. Then we have North Korea. And then maybe Russia. These are some of them yes.
We also have a list of books, and of my enemies, and there’s also a certain state trooper in Alaska who can kiss his pension goodbye, and who better be looking to move to Canada if he know what’s good for him. Mike, if you’re listening, Todd is already on a flight to Anchorage, and he’s got his shotgun and dog team waiting for him at Ted Stevens International.
Well, that’s all for now. I’m just so excited to be movin’ into the White House. I’ll be giving more speeches as we get more into this President thing, sorta figure it out, you know. No press conferences, though. I’ve learned my lesson on that one.
Thank you, America, and God bless!